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Every_Mans_Hero
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Name: Aaron
Birthday: 1/25/1986
Gender: Male
Interests: Sloth
Expertise: Laziness
Occupation: School
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message me
Member Since:
10/21/2006
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Well it's been a few months since I last wrote. And to be honest...I thought it had been longer. I read over my last entry. It's weird, I guess, if nothing else.
It's a new year. And I'm in Dallas.
And I saw her today. It's been more than half a decade since the last time I physically saw her...and there she was, in my car, sitting across from me at a restaraunt, standing and talking to me. It was her.
Her is the only girl that I've thought like this about. That I've known for so long. The first true love.
We've both been through so much since the last time we parted. Hell, we haven't even dated since we were YOUNG teenagers.
And here I sit, on the brink of my mid-20's...and I still think about her.
And today...there she was.
I guess it's ironic to start a new year with someone you haven't seen in so long. Or even talked to for that matter. And it seems my Xanga entries are mainly about girls, but to be honest...this one is the one. Not the one that I think that I will marry. She's the one that got away. And if God doesn't put us together, I'm scared that for the rest of my life, not only will she have part of my heart, but that I won't ever be able to stop thinking about her.
Do you know what it's like to have someone like that in your life? Do you know what it's like to have someone that important to you at such a young age, and then you both grow up and lead separate lives?
And today...there she was.
I didn't know how to describe what I was feeling. I was completely overwhelmed by emotion. And the funny thing is...the last person to overwhelm me like that...was her.
Girls have come and gone in the past. Some important ones, some not so important ones.
But she's always been there. On the back of my mind. She asked me if it was a good thing. I told her that I thought that my future wife would be cheated out of only getting my partial heart was a bad thing.
She told me I had become kind of hard, really sarcastic, and a big smartass.
I told her she was right. I'm not even close to being the same soft-hearted teddy bear that she fell in love with all those years ago. But she got more of me in 3 hours than most people that I've met in the last 3 years. I opened up. I became who I was once again. And that's one of the biggest struggles I've had in the last few years. Since I've changed into this person I am now, I've struggled so hard to be the person I was before. I missed that person. I missed being who I was.
And it was almost too easy to be that person with her. After spending that time together today, I became that person again. The person I've been searching for for years. And I loved it.
It's almost melancholic. I don't know what I want. Or how I feel. But I know I want someone to make me feel the way that she does. And always have.
I hope she reads this. So she knows what a blessing from God she has been in my life and how amazing I think she is.
Much love,
Aaron | | |
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Time has past so quickly. I've especially realized it lately with midterms of my (first) senior year being this week. I must admit, I've been in some weird moods. Sometimes happy, sometimes sad, sometimes melancholic...etc. And I will fade in and out of them throughout the day. Lately it's been for a sole reason and to be honest...I feel ugly. I'm not saying that to get sympathy, honestly. I'm not saying that so that people will tell me that I'm not. But she got me back. For everything that I think that she thinks that I did on purpose or that I did to hurt her...she got me back. And now I feel unworthy. I feel unworthy of being with anyone, let alone someone I could actually care for. I feel unworthy of the pursuit. I feel unwanted. I hate pouring my soul into this thing, because I know that after I finish with this I will have an internal conflict whether to delete it or not. But it's the truth. And that's what I do with Xanga...tell the truth. I didn't reject her. It was never about that. I just wasn't ready. And I lost it. Sometimes I think I shouldn't have said anything. Maybe it would have been the best thing for me. I hate to say that and limit God's plans for me, but I honestly think I would've been happy. And here I am...and so much time has past...and to be honest...I'm not that upset about the current situation. I'm not depressed like I have been. I just miss the way things were. We take so much for granted. And you here it so often that you don't know what you've got till it's gone. But it's so true. Reading over old wall posts. Looking at old pictures. This one was different. It wasn't like the rest. It was special for so many reasons. And now it's gone forever. One of things I have been learning is patience. Asking for patience from God. Truly letting Him guide my life instead of trying to take things over myself. And maybe that's what happened. Maybe I tried to take over because I was scared and I didn't believe God could lead me through it. I truly hope that He won't let that be a closed door forever. I hope that wasn't my "one time". Words can only say so much. I have so many feelings and emotions that I would never otherwise talk about and this seems to be the only place I've ever felt comfortable doing it. And even here there are memories of her. Just to think that I never got a second chance so long ago and that I never did anything to not deserve. That was the hardest thing to get over. To try and convince that it had nothing to do with her, but that it was something I needed to fix...never happened. And only a short time later, the door was slammed in my face.
So where do I go from here?
Do I look for another door? Am I to be content where I'm at? Am I supposed to even wander around LOOKING for anything else?
God knows.
And I guess, basically, that should be my only concern. That I need to let go and let God handle it. It's so hard. It's still hard.
To go from love to nothing.
I feel deserted.
I've changed so much in the past months. I went from a loving, caring friend to something almost unrecognizable. I've let the things that have bothered me eat at me until it became a part of my everyday life and habits. I'm tired of this person I've become. I'm tired of feeling torn between trying to find my old self and fighting with what I've become. So that makes me think...
Am I a slimeball? Did I deserve to have what happened to me? I guess so. Maybe it's me. Maybe there's something wrong with me that everyone is just too nice enough not to tell me. Or maybe I'm ignorant or deaf to what they're saying. Either way, I guess I'm just tired of feeling this way. Tired of constantly having to do things to take my mind off of where it could stray. The only thing I've taught myself to do. It's getting old and played out. So I guess I need a new change of scenery.
Maybe California is indeed on my horizon. Maybe New York.
Just somewhere other than here. Away from the familiarity. Some place where it would be easier to start over.
Because that's what I have to do. Wash away so many years of my life. So many memories. Memories that involve families and holidays. Things that I, once again, took for granted. All gone.
This may sound like a hopeless rant, which I guess in part it is, but I say all this to say that the things that have gotten me through so far, and that will continue to get me through...are all the things I do have. I have the most amazing friends God could have bestowed upon anyone. I couldn't have hand-selected a better stepfather or better stepsisters...
And I have God.
I just pray that He doesn't forget about me. | | |
|  | Currently Listening
Plans
By Death Cab for Cutie
I Will Follow You Into The Dark
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I just got done talking to the smartest woman I know...my mom.
I was upset and overwhelmed about the rest of the time I have left at school. I was also a little saddened by current events with friends and coworkers.
And it was then that she told me that she had always prayed for me to be soft-hearted. And I realized that was it. Not that I'm arrogant, but it is definitely one of my qualities, good or bad. I care too much. I care too much about my friends. I love them. The same goes for my coworkers. I care and love them more than they do me. When they go, I'll be sad. I'll be the one that tries to hold on to the relationship.
My heart is broken easily. And it's because I connect with people so deeply, that if something happens, I take it a lot harder than I probably should. I try to be the best friend I can be, so when a negative situation arrives, I'm always hurt because I don't want the people I care about to think negatively about me.
I've been misunderstood. People have mistaken my kindness and good-will for something else. Mainly in trying to "hook-up" with girls. When in reality, I treat everyone the same. While there may be someone I have special feelings for in my life, I am not a "player". I love too much and people take it the wrong way. I don't know whether to explain or apologize. Either way. That's me.
My advice to fellow soft-hearted people would be: Don't let others define who you are. There's only ONE person who truly knows YOU...and it's you. You define yourself. I used to tell myself that if everyone else was saying something and I was saying something else, that I was the crazy person. But the smartest woman in the world taught me that sometimes...everyone else can be wrong. Especially when it's about you. So know yourself and show yourself to others. People who think you're something else, don't matter. So don't change for them. And the people who know who you are...are the true friends.
If that makes any sense...
One love,
Aaron | | |
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When did I become so bitter? When did I become so hurtful to others?
Recently, I've noticed that I've been a jerk. And I can't figure out why. I've hurt others I just met or friends that I've known forever. I don't understand what happened or why I'm a different person than I once was. I hope that this isn't the man I'm becoming.
I cried on the way home tonight...I was disappointed in myself. I can't believe the way I talk to people now or the way I treat people.
Maybe it's just to make myself feel better. Or maybe I'm still trying to recover from everything. I don't know.
All I can ask for are prayers. From those of you who still read and care. I'm sorry.
One love.
Aaron | | |
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An old man gave me a tip he said
"Don't waste your time with politics" he said
"Just chase skirts instead"
"Life is too short, and you're almost dead" he said
"I met a woman once, I gave her my best shot"
"But never did I talk and talk and talk"
"If I had her back, I'd be as real as my age"
"I so don't blame them, I wouldn't do the same"
"But I can blame them, I'd sing her this"
And you want to be dressed in poetry
But imagery doesn't fit
And you want resizing
But darling dear get a grip
And I think what I just wrote is going over my head
I'm stealing lines from myself
And what I said was never said
It's just a lyrical lie
Made up in my mind
And you want to be dressed in poetry
But imagery doesn't fit
And you want resizing
But darling dear get a grip
You're moving but not aware
You're drowsy without a care
Except keeping your whites behind your lids
And your lids are your best canvas
I can only imagine what you're painting, what you're painting
And your body on my mattress is proof
And your makeup on my pillow is proof
But do you think I am telling you the truth
It's just a lyrical lie
Made up in my mind
And you want to be dressed in poetry
But imagery doesn't fit
And you want resizing
But darling dear get a grip
And you want to be dressed in poetry
But imagery doesn't fit
And you want resizing
But darling dear get a grip.
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